A ton of bricks was the blow felt when I saw
a video of my dad this week. Yes, he still holds that title... though I myself have questioned its worth. I have tried to strip it from him many times only to be reminded of year after year of my childhood that included so very many happy (though I must add sheltered) memories of him... my dad.
How does one forget (even in light of so many more recent horrific memories of him) the first half of your life? I can not justify what has been done... what is done is done... what was taken, was so grievously taken, but there was a time of giving. The first 16 years are now tainted... marred but not erased. Why? Because they were real to me and were connected to real emotions. It would have been easier to deal with & understand the past 13 years if those first 16 were not good (for me)... even though now I know some of the 'behind the scenes' to my own memories... they are still my memories that had true feeling to me...
and I must add have played a major role in shaping me for who I am today.
Many have not (and cannot now, after) know the times he held me, patiently ran behind me as I learned riding atop only two wheels (what joy was shared), stroke after stroke of learning to swim, cast after untangling cast of learning to fish, painstakingly waiting on the newest little backpacker desperate to keep up on camp outs, the unending 'smack' heard as ball met glove throw after throw in the backyard... this list is long - and
happy for me.
This
happy died and unsuspecting betrayal took its place.
How confusing that a beautiful list as this, is shadowed so much so that
happiness cannot touch it for the overwhelming darkness inevitably surrounding it from bad choices made... it swallows every memory I have of him. This happy died.
My prayer is that he take the deception that he has become apart of - for so long... and refuse it access to his life... to put it at Jesus' feet. There
I know he will find light strong enough to send those darkest of shadows away... To have a past redeemed, a past with a future of
real happy.
I am only to assume there is a darkness that he knows life not without.
I don't hold fear for those shadows that loomed to overtake me as well, but I fear God... for me, a proven shadow slayer. Not figuratively, but I felt darkness next to me, physically moving closer to me, hovering all around me. I have never been more scared in or for my life. I remember the room, the spot, the insanely restless night spent wrestling with the choking presence.
Such an old story now, and still so shocking to me at the same time.
Almost angry it makes me for such personal things as this to be aired on television, (and I say
without my controlling it) the familiar feeling of broadcast trails close to me bringing oh so many memories -vivid & chaotic- back to present... forcing me to blog these thoughts instead of just a simple
private journal. Control... I never controlled any of this... I have hated that. This happy died.
So, NOW, this happy I keep company with... this happy that I work tirelessly to breath in for life's sake... is not just any happy... but
real happiness. My happiness isn't because of learning how to fish or ride a bike or even the feeling of safe shelter under mother & father's wing. Those things
were happy for me, but have proved to be a failing, flawed, undependable happiness.
I want a forever happy. My happy...
Jesus...
simple as a word...
as complicated as the most intense of life's goals.
The unending, dependable, unflawed happy.
You see, real happiness for me has included times of sorrow, of grief, of unhappiness
but all while knowing you are provided for, you belong, you can't be left behind, there is purpose, direction, hope, & most of all love.
I don't like surprises and yet I am surprised by many things. None more than the surprise of my own life's story... my parents failed marriage ending with the death of them both to me, and now my amazing life as wife & mother. Even though I tend to shy away from surprises I know I am with one who can never be surprised. He is catching me before I know I'm being knocked down. So, through my knee jerk reactions of not giving my trust ... I'm developing a bit of a new knee... well, feeling.
Freely trusting (hoping, loving, living) isn't equated with probable pain for me anymore, but a freedom to do those, to be those all while knowing I'm loved and can love - both without discrimination.
Romans 8:35 "Who shall separate us from the love of Christ? Shall trouble or hardship or persecution or famine or nakedness or danger or sword?"
Romans 8:38 "For I am convinced that neither death nor life, neither angels or demons, neither the present nor the future, nor any powers, neither height nor depth, nor anything else in all creation, will be able to separate us from the love of God..."
Baking the cake... this was the craft of the day.
Dan recovering from last night spent in the bathroom... food exiting by way of its entry. I think he has decided his stomach hates him. :( 
Me making homemade chicken noodle soup to bring him back to health! :)
And the kids keeping themselves busy & quiet while Dad rests.
They are scooping old coffee beans that have been collecting in the cupboards. I tried experimenting with a few new brands a while back... but you just can't beat DD original.... my daily afternoon ritual.
So here the old beans found new purpose. The kids scooped and poured close to an hour. And man, the house smelled great! I wish I would have thought of this earlier. 
