5 Unbelievable Years

Alison Reese Bittinger

5 years old today.

Things I want you to know about how you have changed my life... there are so many. I did not so much like the idea of having kids or getting pregnant. It scared me... you scared me. First, the ultrasound showed you having a hole in your brain. The following nights were spent sobbing in worry. God was beginning to teach me to trust Him with you... something very hard to do, but entirely worth the effort.

God, I am thankful that your head is whole...

Ali, you are nothing shy of a miracle.

Second, I wasn't confident in my ability to parent you. To have someone depend on me emotionally sounded awful at the time. I was sure you would be fed, clothed, & clean, but the interpersonal connection was simply hard for me to conceive. I did not feel well rounded at the time and did not want to reproduce that in you.

Oh, how grateful I am God doesn't wait on us to be perfect for his gifts!

I am fully confident that you were part of His plan to make me a more balanced individual.

Then, my & your bodies decided that it was time for us to meet before the 'proper' time. You were 5 weeks early, having spent a week before waiting in the hospital. Those were long days of introspection for me. Your Dad was the biggest comfort, showing at every decision that he wanted what was best for us both.

The morning abruptly began by Dr. Hudson whirling into the room, casually asking me one question... "Are you ready to have this baby"? I remember smiling, but inside I froze. I don't know if I'm ready. You tell me, I wanted to say. A gentle smile & nod from your Dad gave me enough confidence to give a shaky 'yes'.

The moments that followed happened so very fast. Literally before I knew it, I heard you, then I saw you, and then... I touched you. That moment, I became your mother, forever changed by a barely 5lb little girl. I don't believe any one thing in life has so morphed me inwardly and outwardly than that second... I still see the picture memory in my mind.

When you were born we technically separated, though it was as your birth melded us together. I am so grateful for your life. It shocks me to think it has been 5 years since that day. I have literally loved every moment of your life. It is what I know. I know I am to be your mother... this may sound so silly, but for me it is simply nothing shy of a miracle.

God webbed many miracles from you. (One day I will tell you of how it started with your Dad taking a chance and committing to a life with me.) Life has always looked different, more alive, since you. My heart grew two sizes (Mr. Grinch!). I knew I wanted more kids shortly after you came. Becoming a homemaker became overwhelmingly natural to me... though I felt like I was starting from scratch. Caring for our family & our home became priority... and I was LOVING it. This is so unlike the life I had pictured for myself prior to that moment. Now, no matter what else I do in life, this will be treasured the closest. I tell Dan often that I have my dream job.

Five years later, I still love it - everyday. I fail you on many levels, and will for the rest of your life. I want you to know that it is ok. You will feel hurt when people fail you, but remember there is a bigger picture... there always is. Use wisdom to find it & you will always be a better person for it. This is life, this is learning. I would never go back. Your Dad, you, and now your siblings are God's grace in my life. I love you.

Happy Birthday my dear Ali.