Happy Birthday to Our Favorite African!

Davin... a beloved adopted member of our home.

Baking the cake... this was the craft of the day.

and just because we love her... Ella Bell.

Peaceful

I like watching my kids sleep... it is such a peaceful thing. Often before heading to bed myself, I'll peak in on them. I'm not so sure I want them to have their own rooms yet and I'm not so sure they would want their own room if they had the option just yet. The day will come, sure, but for now they are such good buddies in there. Through daily quarrels and all, I love coming into their room and seeing this in a bundle of sleeping bags & pillows. There is a sweetness and a comfort in the bonds between these siblings. I love getting to watch from life's front row seat.

Inside Our House Tonight

Dan recovering from last night spent in the bathroom... food exiting by way of its entry. I think he has decided his stomach hates him. :(

If you see this man in sweatshirt & blanket, then you know it is either freakishly cold outside or something is terribly wrong with him.

Me making homemade chicken noodle soup to bring him back to health! :)
A feel good 'stick to your ribs', as my mom would say, winter meal.

And the kids keeping themselves busy & quiet while Dad rests.

They are scooping old coffee beans that have been collecting in the cupboards. I tried experimenting with a few new brands a while back... but you just can't beat DD original.... my daily afternoon ritual.


So here the old beans found new purpose. The kids scooped and poured close to an hour. And man, the house smelled great! I wish I would have thought of this earlier.

Real Happiness Isn't Always Happy

A ton of bricks was the blow felt when I saw a video of my dad this week. Yes, he still holds that title... though I myself have questioned its worth. I have tried to strip it from him many times only to be reminded of year after year of my childhood that included so very many happy (though I must add sheltered) memories of him... my dad.

How does one forget (even in light of so many more recent horrific memories of him) the first half of your life? I can not justify what has been done... what is done is done... what was taken, was so grievously taken, but there was a time of giving. The first 16 years are now tainted... marred but not erased. Why? Because they were real to me and were connected to real emotions. It would have been easier to deal with & understand the past 13 years if those first 16 were not good (for me)... even though now I know some of the 'behind the scenes' to my own memories... they are still my memories that had true feeling to me... and I must add have played a major role in shaping me for who I am today.

Many have not (and cannot now, after) know the times he held me, patiently ran behind me as I learned riding atop only two wheels (what joy was shared), stroke after stroke of learning to swim, cast after untangling cast of learning to fish, painstakingly waiting on the newest little backpacker desperate to keep up on camp outs, the unending 'smack' heard as ball met glove throw after throw in the backyard... this list is long - and happy for me.

This happy died and unsuspecting betrayal took its place.

How confusing that a beautiful list as this, is shadowed so much so that happiness cannot touch it for the overwhelming darkness inevitably surrounding it from bad choices made... it swallows every memory I have of him. This happy died.

My prayer is that he take the deception that he has become apart of - for so long... and refuse it access to his life... to put it at Jesus' feet. There I know he will find light strong enough to send those darkest of shadows away... To have a past redeemed, a past with a future of real happy.

I am only to assume there is a darkness that he knows life not without.

I don't hold fear for those shadows that loomed to overtake me as well, but I fear God... for me, a proven shadow slayer. Not figuratively, but I felt darkness next to me, physically moving closer to me, hovering all around me. I have never been more scared in or for my life. I remember the room, the spot, the insanely restless night spent wrestling with the choking presence.

Such an old story now, and still so shocking to me at the same time. Almost angry it makes me for such personal things as this to be aired on television, (and I say without my controlling it) the familiar feeling of broadcast trails close to me bringing oh so many memories -vivid & chaotic- back to present... forcing me to blog these thoughts instead of just a simple private journal. Control... I never controlled any of this... I have hated that. This happy died.

So, NOW, this happy I keep company with... this happy that I work tirelessly to breath in for life's sake... is not just any happy... but real happiness. My happiness isn't because of learning how to fish or ride a bike or even the feeling of safe shelter under mother & father's wing. Those things were happy for me, but have proved to be a failing, flawed, undependable happiness. I want a forever happy. My happy...

Jesus...

simple as a word...

as complicated as the most intense of life's goals.


The unending, dependable, unflawed happy.

You see, real happiness for me has included times of sorrow, of grief, of unhappiness but all while knowing you are provided for, you belong, you can't be left behind, there is purpose, direction, hope, & most of all love.

I don't like surprises and yet I am surprised by many things. None more than the surprise of my own life's story... my parents failed marriage ending with the death of them both to me, and now my amazing life as wife & mother. Even though I tend to shy away from surprises I know I am with one who can never be surprised. He is catching me before I know I'm being knocked down. So, through my knee jerk reactions of not giving my trust ... I'm developing a bit of a new knee... well, feeling.

Freely trusting (hoping, loving, living) isn't equated with probable pain for me anymore, but a freedom to do those, to be those all while knowing I'm loved and can love - both without discrimination.

Romans 8:35 "Who shall separate us from the love of Christ? Shall trouble or hardship or persecution or famine or nakedness or danger or sword?"

Romans 8:38 "For I am convinced that neither death nor life, neither angels or demons, neither the present nor the future, nor any powers, neither height nor depth, nor anything else in all creation, will be able to separate us from the love of God..."

Spring Retreat 2010

This is our annual Spring Reconnect Camp Out last weekend at Camp Gilead... though it was in the 20's at night and we slept in lodges... so technically we weren't camping. BUT we did cook/eat outside & had a campfire - complete with smores... so it was pretty close!
This is the Polar Bear Club... that was created one crazy cold day... I'm not sure of the water temp, but the air temp was probably in the 40's or low 50's. Yes, that is my Dan... loving every minute of this so called bonding with the guys!! Me, well I just don't understand how freezing to death is so much fun... ah well, that is the beauty of our relationship. Maybe our children have a hope of being well rounded some day ;)

Father & Daughter enjoying a sunset together and a special moment just for them.

Next day - Father & Son enjoying stolen moments away from the crowd.

Then, sadly, the camera battery died...

Treated

Tonight we were treated. Treated to a wonderful meal cooked in my kitchen... but not by me. Zach, one of Dan's RA's, enjoys cooking and has been wanting to cook for us for some time. Well, it was fabulous, a real delight. Ali even helped - a little!

Thanks Zach!

Pieces

Beneficial things I've listened to, read, and thought about in the past few months.

• living by faith doesn't have to be as hard as I've made it seem. I've already experienced the impossible made possible in my life... more than once. "The man with the experience isn't at the mercy of the man with the argument." - David Wooten
• Love this one... "My effort will influence the outcome of my situation, but not determine it. I'm not responsible for the outcome, just the effort." - Tommy Covington My effort should be in doing good, right before God... just to please Him... not in trying to make the things happen the way I plan. I expect to sin, but my effort is to not practice it. Turn from it. I'm not going to reach (any level of) perfection. Looks pretty simple now that I've written it out... I will leave it though it seems more profound to me unwritten - left echoing in my head.
• I won't be happy with anyone, or any situation until I'm happy with myself. Another statement that meant more to me in thought than in black & white on the blog.
• How is God supposed to be all I need if I still feel places of need/want/incompleteness in my life? Perhaps I haven't dug into all that He can be for me... again it points me to my effort.
• Life without my mother & father is different but not doomed. Easier for me to understand now at 29 than at 16. My aches for them are different now, not less, but different. In some ways deeper, with more understanding, with more insight, but no less hope.
• What a GIFT it is to be a woman. I grew up around many strong Christian women who have influence me by their actions in positive ways, but something was missing... maybe just basic instruction. Maybe I didn't know the questions to ask until wife-ing & mothering were already part of my day to day. I never gave thought to married life until the day I became Mrs. Bittinger. Somehow now, 7 1/2 years in, I think this is a CRIME. I read an article recently by J.R. Miller (1840) that gave clarity to how I will help train my girls whether they become wives or mothers themselves or not. I quickly printed out the 9 pages and even had Dan read it for some lively feedback... love that about him. Here is the link if you like to read. The first page or so is a bit dry, but I still recommend the article. http://www.gracegems.org/Miller/christian_wife.htm

Nature Table

This is our nature table. It is something we started several months ago, but it stuck around so I though it worthy of a post on our blog o' memories.

How it started...

Benjamin began bringing little bits and pieces of 'nature' in from walks or trips to the car. His pockets would be full of acorns, or sticks, or rocks and I would find them all over the house. Then we decided to have a spot (near the door) where he can bring whatever piece of nature inside and leave it there to admire, hold, study, taste, crunch, & experience. I l.o.v.e it. I totally get him... that earthy feel of something organic and made by the Creator... that woodsy smell...
My only rules are that no living creature can come in to stay and no more 'landscaped' flowers... I think the landscapers are beginning to suspect our Ben of vandalism.